Blog Posts

Make New Friends but Keep the Old

When my sister was a young girl, she was a Girl Scout Brownie and my mom was one of the leaders of her group. The girls would often meet in our basement, and I can remember hearing them sing various songs, often as rounds, designed to impart some pearl of wisdom. The words from one of those songs have always stuck with me. "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other, gold."

I was reminded of that ditty this summer when my family gathered with seven of my wife's good friends from college, and their families, for the 25th year in a row. We always have a wonderful time, catching up, renewing old ties and just enjoying everyone's company.

We have seen one another's children grow up (the youngest just started college in fall 2014), have helped one another through the loss of parents, celebrated the joys of becoming grandparents and comforted one friend who became a widow far before her time.

We've gathered at one couple's lake house, another's beach house and at others' more prosaic suburban homesteads, always enjoying the time together. And perhaps the greatest miracle of the entire gathering is that everyone gets along—the old college buddies, their spouses and all the kids.

The growth of social media has made it much easier for people to keep in touch—or to get back in touch—with friends from years past. But this group started long before Facebook made it easy to rekindle old friendships, if only online.

There is, of course, a real difference between being Facebook friends and being real friends. In some ways, following Facebook friends is like reading a personalized issue of People magazine. It's enjoyable to learn about what those you once knew are doing, in the same way it's fun to follow the foibles of celebrities. You find the information momentarily interesting, but it rarely touches you on any deep level.

Indeed, nurturing and sustaining friendships, especially into middle age, is becoming increasingly difficult in a time when people are so mobile and the connections that bring us into contact with others, so tenuous. A Google search of the phrase "losing friends at midlife" returns almost 4 million results. This is obviously a growing concern, coming at a time in one's life when friends are perhaps more important than ever.

As we navigate the challenges of aging in a culture that values youth above all things, it’s a blessing to have others who know where we’ve come from and are willing to stay with us on the next part of the journey.

There's no doubt that keeping those friendships requires commitment. With our busy schedules, finding that time can be frustratingly difficult. And we find that many of the friendships we thought we had were actually based on a transitory relationship—having children in the same class or on the same sports team, working for the same company, volunteering for the same organization, living in the same neighborhood. Most of those friendships don’t survive once that shared attachment is broken.

That's why those of us who have now been gathering every summer for 25 years value these bonds so much and go out of our way to maintain them. Not only do they represent a connection to a time when we were young and had our whole lives ahead of us, they also represent a true relationship that we can count on in good times and bad.

So as that song said so simply, old friendships truly are gold, because gold, unlike silver (which requires constant polishing), doesn't tarnish or fade. It will gleam just as brightly tomorrow as it does today. Like gold, such friendships are a precious commodity to be valued like no other, especially as the years go by.